My Walk
My Progress
171km
My Target
52km
11/09 - Saudade
It's hard to directly translate this Portuguese word in simple terms. It's my favourite word though, as it's a feeling that's coloured my entire experience of life.
But first. This post concludes my contribution towards raising awareness about suicide. I hope you've gained some insight from my perspective of what passive suicidality feels like. Everybody's experience is unique, and I believe perspective is greatly shaped by one's level of resilience.
I'm really proud of having done this, regardless of the audience reach of this little patch of the Internet that I've occupied for this purpose. I'm rarely ever actually proud of myself :) Choosing to represent my life in years through the distance target is itself a significant act of self recognition that I wasn't even aware of when signing up.
My commitment to bleed in public through these posts was to reciprocate the support of those who donated. Aside from the greater good that these donations bring to users of the Lifeline service, your effort of even responding to my reaching out means very much to me personally. You probably weren't prepared for the resulting glimpse into what's actually going on inside my head though!
I've been recording my daily step distance since activating this fundraiser. Yesterday I walked the actual 9km minimum, wearing the official T-shirt. With each physical step of the final tally, I reflected on the intangible walk taken through these posts. I consciously recognised the familiar old friend who's been walking alongside, for so much of the 52 years. Saudade. A feeling of grief, gratitude, melancholia, yearning, ache; all existing together at the same time. Some describe it as the presence of absence.
Sometimes I feel that presence as a version of me in a life never lived, who never existed, who could have been, but for the choices made, but for the hopes unrealised. A pull towards something, some place, the memory of which feels so textural yet is possibly imagined. Living with saudade feels like an exercise in filling the hollowness with steps, with duty, with purpose. You are alive, so live. One more night in a thousand and one.
Resilience just takes so much effort. One way to distract from that hollowness is intentional attention directed outwards. Noting the simplest things. The texture of jelly. Ducklings browsing the grass. The way the trees frame the path on a long walk. The goofy look on your friend's face just before they laugh. Recognising the feeling of wonder.
Finding justification to live is really hard for a lot of people, for all kinds of reasons. Too many lose the battle. For those left behind, a grief counselor I came across on Instagram has this advice. Don't ask 'what if' as in 'what if I'd known/reached out earlier'? It's more likely an 'even if' situation. Even if you'd reached out, even if you'd come downstairs earlier...the outcome might have still been the same.
If you're struggling, take a pause. Talk to someone, like Lifeline. People can't solve your problems, but the pause they offer is valuable for helping you come out from the shadows into the light of living. Stay.
10/09 - Duty
The modern emphasis on individual self-determination is a double-edged sword. "You can be whatever you want to be". Whilst I don't dispute that a strong foundational self-belief equips us to confidently stride through life, the flip side is self-delusion and poor resilience to face the realities of an inequitable world and the capriciousness of luck.In my cultural background, the concept of duty retains its traditional meaning and hold. If it were easy to throw off the shackles of duty and the hairshirt one wears in penance for not measuring up, there'd be a gaping hole in literature, music and the incomes of therapists.
The lyrics of Reflection from Mulan resonate deeply for me. Not the Disney version but what Lea Salonga sometimes performs live, which has this additional bit - "Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide? Must I pretend that I'm someone else, for all time? When will my reflection show who I am inside?"
When the burdens of duty are done, I'd probably still be too chicken to end it. And too old to start on the road not taken. At that point I'd like to think I'll have 3 options. 1. Go on a very very long walk. 2. Volunteer for front-line relief work on conflict zones. 3. Get a job as a Disney character at Disneyland where I'd put on a costume and hold a hug for kids for as long as they need the hug to go. The first 2 are about actively pursuing a death wish. The 3rd is about making the best of the life I've been given by channelling the love I can't give myself to others instead. The hug that doesn't let go until the child is ready is my reconciliation to the need for being told "you can be whatever you want to be". The hug from someone unobligated to love you, is the steadfast, unconditional love to weather the hurt of disappointment when life says - actually, no, you can't.
Stay, just for another little while. Get someone to hug you and lean into it longer than you think you should. Better yet, give someone else that kind of hug - turn your attention outwards. Yes, the point is to distract yourself, but the love you give others comes back to you in ways you can't anticipate. That is what will save you in the long run. Stay. One more night. We can do this.
08/09 - 1001 Nights
In The Arabian Nights, Scheherazade extends the story she tells the king into the next night, and the next, until 1001, thus delaying his intention to execute her. She saves her life by seeing the story through, repeating mantra-like, 'just one more night'.
Sounds simple, but it's also been attested by people living with suicidality as being pretty powerful. 'Stay. Try again. One more time, one step more. Tell me your story. Keep going. I'll see you tomorrow.'
You could offer to listen to what's causing the pain. There are risks though - you're exposed to what could feel like trauma-dumping, you might fear you're enabling obsessive thoughts or self-indulgence. It can be awkward.
Or you could ask about their plan, their intended method to end it. To me (I can't speak for what goes on for others), that signals that you're taking me seriously, which assuages my fear of inconveniencing you and taking up your time.
Unpacking the practicalities could help distract from the pain in that moment. There are so many alternative exit doors you can quietly nudge open as you walk me further away from thinking about the source of pain.
One of the things that stayed with me after finishing The Space Between The Stars by Indira Naidoo is the method her sister chose. How soul-shattering the moment of discovery would have been, especially in contrast to the intimacy of the setting and familial relationships weaved around her in her lifetime. How damaged her psyche must have been, to drive such an irresistible need to escape her demons even while surrounded with love and indicators of a 'successful' life.
I think one of the reasons why I stay in passive ideation is my inability to come up with a method I can reconcile to. Fears for myself - pain, failure to complete and the resulting emotional and physical impacts. I'm brave enough to stay only because I'm too much of a coward to go. Laughable.
I also fear that for those left behind, especially whoever encounters the immediate aftermath, it'd be traumatising. The event might also anchor psychic memory into the setting, e.g. my deceased cousin haunted the room she died in for years after.
Half a lifetime ago, I experience an unforgettable moment of peace. I was walking alone (my hiking mate was some considerable distance ahead) along a mountain ridge when the wind suddenly dropped and I found myself wrapped in a silence so profound it stopped me in my tracks. Snow, mountaintops and alpine lakes in every direction. The stillness. The aloneness. Now when I take myself back to inhabiting that memory, I imagine that's what it feels like in the split second before disappearing from life. An overwhelming instant of being truly happy.
The yearning for that moment of dissolving out of reality is what's on my mind when I hike alone in alpine country. The bittersweet moment you discover you've turned the last page of the story. A yearning for that 'blink, and it's over' moment, with nothing left behind in the silence.
31/08 - Victim Mentality
I've met my fundraising target! Thank you Sania and Steph, and of course all supporters acknowledged earlier. I also committed to raising awareness by blogging updates on this page - 1 post for every $100 raised. This is the 3rd.----
Let's be clear about victimhood vs victim mentality. I'm not dismissing the anguish and unfairness faced by people or groups who are systemically mistreated. This post is about the mindset where identity is more self-characterised by grievance and less focused on working towards resolution and healing.
Nobody wants to be perceived as having 'victim mentality'.
Whilst nobody would dispute that pain sucks, we've also become oversaturated with sharing. And the resultant white noise starts to sound like *Poor me*. Which triggers a pushback going from *Poor you* to *Suck it up. Aren't you tired of trauma dumping? Don't just complain, DO something about it*
But what does taking action to relieve that pain look like for a suicidal person? Why didn't/don't they seek help instead? It's so easy to trip over that line between seeking help and being perceived as trauma-dumping. It must be especially harder for males, who as a gender have the added societal expectation to man up, avoid tears and emotions.
My head voices play a regular soundtrack of the 'I'm so tired of this' vs 'suck it up snowflake' debate. But seeking help by opening up is a double-edged sword. There's the gnawing fear of being told "you're exhausting" or worse, the unspoken "you're such a victim".
I've tried. But it's hard for people to walk through those nudged-open doors. For those who do...it's a dilemma; provide solutions or comfort/companionship? For active ideation the options are clearer, the crisis directs action - remove the access, reduce the fight/flight urgency. Passive ideation, however, is a different beast...there's no plan/action to interrupt. There's nothing you can do but sit with what can eventually look like self-pity.
That's why it feels easier to just keep it all inside. But also, nobody likes an Eeyore, so you learn how to mask, or channel your energies into someone/something else. Drown out the voices with external noise.
In my recent 5 months of not having the routine of work and its associated interactions, I lost that noise. The silence beyond the doors I creaked open just validated my insecurities.
So here I am, doing my own therapy. Unpacking the debate with myself as I walk.
If you're feeling suicidal, I'm saying this as brutally and gently as possible - the real hero is you. Even with support, only you can do the hard work of getting past these thoughts, past the pain. Only you can face your own life to find a reason to stay just a little longer. It's not victim mentality to acknowledge how hard it is to keep moving one step ahead, one hour, one day at a time. I hope you find someone curious enough, brave enough to help you unpack and explore. Understanding the pain and who you are/want to be is what helps you move through it and build resilience.
28/08 - Resilience
The main difference between active and passive ideation is that in active there's a plan - method, access, time, place. Triggers vary, but the common factor is an overwhelming need to be relieved of unbearable physical or emotional pain.I can only speak of my own experience of passive ideation. In the last 7 months I said to I think 3 people - "I don't want to be here". Just voicing those words is a door left slightly ajar. Nobody walked through. I genuinely don't blame them though; it's highly uncomfortable for most people. You don't really know what to say, what to do.
If that open door was a cry for relief...and relief wasn't forthcoming, yet here I still am...I guess it's because the pain of existence is bearable? Or there is no pain even?
Or it might be resilience to the fact that life isn't meant to be lived mostly in a state of happiness, and that mostly, pain can be lived with, if we can find ways to temporarily soothe it.
I think most would agree that feeling that you matter to people who matter to you provides that relief. A kind of security.
I can only recall one instance of feeling really secure. The memory is so fuzzy I suspect it may be an amalgamation of unconnected instances. I'm being cuddled on X's lap, in a bedroom. It's in the aftermath of A Very Bad Thing happening to me. The other adults are outside having emotions about it. But in this nice quiet room, she's softly singing The Three Little Kittens (ironically about poor parenting) as she rocks me. I've never ever felt so cared for than in that moment. By someone who had no relational obligation to love me. I was probably 5-7 yrs old.
Psychotherapy is littered with talk of attachment wounds and inner child. When I'm self-soothing, the words in my head are often "we're going to be ok, we'll get through this". I wonder who that other person(s) in the 'we' is. Sometimes there's a dialogue between me and other me - "You're asking for too much". "I can't do this any other way" I'd argue back to that other me voice.
I think that's the same pathway to the outcome where people develop multiple personalities. It's an extreme defence mechanism to cope with the Very Bad Thing(s) in their lives.
The point of this ramble, to anyone who's feeling that pain of existence, is - find the strength to keep looking for other ways to self soothe. Because in the absence of anyone else walking through your door, you are your own, and best, hero.
23/08- You are alive. So live.
I started aiming to walk 10,000 steps per day after a prolonged period of having too much time on my hands. Waking up each day with no work to go to very quickly became an unwelcome weight. I thought I'd put the time to good use to catch up on all the reading and learning I'd always had limited time for. But nothing seemed to interest me for very long. The days dragged on, and I realised I was framing every potential activity as "something to pass time".Passing time suggests a sense of waiting. Getting it over with. What's the it? What am I waiting for? Passing time until...?
As a child I'd often fantasise about disappearing. I felt guilty at what that might do to my family, so I'd add to the fantasy that a clone would replace me. Nobody would be the wiser and I could finally slip away unnoticed. The sense of guilt wasn't at all from a feeling of being so loved that they'd grieve the loss of me - I've never felt the security of being loved for me the person. I just didn't want to cause the drama of A Very Big Event.
Nothing's changed. I've never particularly found joy in being alive. Which is silly, because I've had a pretty good, comfortable life from a material perspective. Objectively I've had it very good, and I'm grateful for every privilege and opportunity. I just feel indifferent to the idea of living. I've woken up alive each day, so I continue to live.
The fantasy of disappearing, of slipping away has never abated. Over the years I've imagined how I might take active steps, but the guilt always shut it down. But a couple of years ago the thought - I think I'm ready to let the guilt go - suddenly popped crystal clear in my head during an especially turbulent flight.
I probably need therapy. In researching depression I came across Dr Scott Eilers and his view on subtypes of passive suicidal ideation. Makes a lot of sense. I think I lean to the illogical subtype. His position on living for the sake of loved ones really resonates. It's easy to assume suicidality has one general profile, but as with most things in life...it's more complex than we think.
I started walking 10k steps because it was a way to pass the time. It's useful to have a goal to tick off each day. 'So live'. The title of this post comes from Neil Gaiman's The Sandman. I've had it echoing in my head since my early twenties.
I need purpose. And since I'm thinking all these thoughts while doing all that walking anyway...I might as well put it to a good cause. 1km for each year.
Thank you to Karen, Mae Leen, the anonymous donor and Aileen. Your donation not only goes to a much needed service, but also says so much more to me personally.
17/08- I'm walking in acknowledgement of purpose as one way to keep on going.
9 people are lost to suicide every day in Australia. Countless more wake up to another day of having to just. keep. going.
One more day. One more week. Another month, another year of keeping the shadows at bay.
Please support my walk and sponsor me to help those in crisis.
Nobody should have to face their darkest moments alone.
My impact so far
I've raised $694 so far to answer 17 calls for Lifeline's crisis support hotline to connect and bring hope to people in crisis.
With your support, we can ensure that no person has to face their darkest moments alone.
17
Thank you to my Sponsors
$124.90
Aileen
$106.75
Mae Leen Choe
$85.24
Anonymous
May your act of kindness touch someone’s life and bring comfort 💕
$65.65
Daniel Lee
Enjoy Suzanne.
$58.12
Daniel Lee
Respect for doing this. I’ve been in the space of staying with someone to take the smallest step possible to stay with it, and with that small step we take another.
$54.75
Suzanne Pang
$52
G Chee
Such a worthy cause. Jia you!
$51.88
Steph
💪❤️
$50
Sania
Keep going! All the best!
$44.32
❤️